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News & views

Gay rites may lead to King Ron

[23 July 2013] You heard it here first, in February (below). The newborn royal is a boy, as we (more or less) predicted.

And well done to The Sun newspaper for renaming itself The Son for one day only, and for the best headline of the day: ‘The regal has landed.’

[9 Feb 2013] The heat seems to have mysteriously gone out of Parliament’s frenzy to ensure that if William and Kate’s first-born is a girl, she’ll take precedence in the line of succession to any boys that later sally forth from the royal uterus. Maybe the Palace has seen the scans and knows the babe is a boy.

If it’s a girl, though, Sod’s law will dictate two things. First, she will turn out to be vain, vulgar, very stupid and the most dangerous tyrant since Henry VIII. Second, she will be gay and, assuming the Same-Sex Marriage Bill has become law by then, she’ll want to marry her partner in Westminster Abbey. Though Supreme Governor of the Church of England, she’ll be refused this privilege because the Church will still be maintaining its opt-out on gay weddings. Abdication will follow and the next candidate in line will be a gay prince whose marriage will also be rejected by the Archbishop of Canterbury. After his inevitable abdication, a heterosexual in the line of succession will eventually be found, who will surely be a devotee of one of the lesser religious figures of recent times, such as Joseph Smith or L Ron Hubbard. It may even be L Ron himself, as Scientologists believe their vanished leader will one day return from a distant star and assume mortal form once more.

As Britain's last few heterosexuals wait for all this fun to begin, they may like to ponder why homosexuals will be able to contract a civil partnership or a marriage (or possibly both) to someone of the same sex, while they must languish in the bedsheets of inequality with only the chance of marriage to someone of the opposite sex. That’s unless they go all bisexual, find a same-sex partner for the day, and undergo a sham civil partnership. Somehow, I don't think we've heard the last of this.  [MC]

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